From the Strip Club Archives...

Here are a few more excerpts from old diaries of mine:

*One of the managers (who is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with one of the waitresses) brought in a young blond Texan who he's obviously gaga over. Being the impartial employee that I am, I was chosen to train the new girl behind the bar. Professional behavior aside, what a ditz this chick is! And blatant ditziness provokes unabashed question and answer time.

Now I know better than anybody that if a girl is a real flake, you can figure her out right away, and so I filled my down time at work by asking this new girl "Missy" questions about herself that she was too slow not to answer. Turns out she was fired from another strip club for being caught in the bathroom with a customer AND she's not even yet 21. Still, she was hired as a bartender.

CUT TO A COUPLE MONTHS LATER

Missy is sneaking in on my good shifts.  It's nothing crazy, but it's obvious and extremely unfair. She's not a good bartender. She comes in on her nights off and gets drunk. She's got nothing interesting to say. She's not, in my opinion, much hotter than other girls in the club... However, she is definitely easy. The barbacks and bussers have told me that she doesn't wear underwear and shows them- plus they see her sitting provocatively in front of customers. A waitress reports that she walked into a private room and caught her fooling around with a waiter, and that's not the first time I've heard such a rumor. I wouldn't really care but my schedule is being arranged not only so Missy has shifts she doesn't deserve but also so she and the manager's girlfriend never work together...

IN THE END

Missy was suspended and then fired after everyone had their turn with her. The manager that hired her told me all proud of himself for personally doing it. Yeah, way to go. Now I'm stuck filling in twice as many shifts while you look for your next victim.

*The owner gave the female service staff Christmas cards (he's Jewish) that said 'HO-HO-HO!' on the outside, and nobody noticed the irony. I bet he was giggling with every signature.

*One of the funny waitresses tells a story about having the age-old conversation with a stripper: What are your plans with all this money you're making? Apparently this girl told the waitress and a manager that she was going to med school to which she was then asked, 'What kind of medicine are you going to study?'  She answered in the high-pitched, baby voice that is so common among these girls, 'I'M GONNA BE A DOCTOR!' And that was it. She couldn't elaborate any more.

*The manager asked me again today why my boobs look so big. I am premenstrual, but I kept it simple and just told him to fuck off. The worst part is that being a bitch only turns him on more.

*One of the Skankees..er...I mean Yankees, comes in regularly with his wife. Recently they both took a liking to one of the waitresses (who continually came to my bar while serving them to gush about how much of a fan she was and how excited she was that they were talking to her). Perhaps it was the way she was throwing herself at the couple, but whatever. The waitress, "Sandy", was eventually asked to accompany the athlete, his wife, and a stripper into a private room and she was ecstatic. 

When Sandy returned from the hour she was glowing, relaying to me that all she had to do was eat out the wife and so 'of course' she did. She wanted to! Then, when Sandy and Mrs. Skankee were finished, the ball player asked Sandy to do the same for the stripper. Sandy refused because, she said to me later, "Gross!  I don't know where that girl's been!"

*Whether it be insecurity, jealousy, trust issues, competition or all of the above, I'd say most strippers have a hard time making friends with other females. However, I have noticed that when a man comes in and picks two random girls to either dance simultaneously for him or go into a room together with him, all obvious cattiness goes out the window (even when there's a bad history). A couple minutes of bumping boobs, looking at each other seductively for the benefit of that man (or way more behind closed doors), and finally the exchange of money and all is well. Until those two dancers are pinned against each other for some new (financial) issue in the future, they act as if they are best buds; I think they all really wish they were.

*Of course nobody's perfect- even with all the money in the world. There are a number of girls who dance with one arm always above their head for the sole purpose of making straight an uneven boob job. It takes a trained eye to notice these things... or rather a bored eye connected to a brain that's got nothing else to do other than pick apart what going on around it, a slick mouth to ask questions, and the absence of the all-distracting penis organ (i.e. Me). I've also seen a dancer with a harelip and one that's cross-eyed. Fortunately they're bodies are hot and their illusionary skills are keen enough to have hidden these imperfections during the audition. Well done, ladies. Keep makin' that money and you'll be perfect in no time!

*My barback was upset the other day about the fact that one of the hot waitresses was always getting drunk while at work, but was never reprimanded. He was frustrated because the rules were strictly enforced against him and his Hispanic coworkers. I told him that one day the world was going to change and all the non-white, ugly, broke, struggling people would rule the world. He told me that when that happens he'll still be nice to me. It was the sweetest thing anyone had said to me in a while.